Sunday, June 1, 2014

The Bizarre Case of LCPL Nasty

Note: I was pissed off about the whole ordeal when I wrote this.  In retrospect, I probably should not have used actual names, and thus I have amended the post to better reflect that.
The first rule of Fat Club is: You do not talk about Fat Club.
I’ve never been so disgusted by a human being as much as my roommate.  I take personal offense to this man’s existence.  He is an insult to the uniform and all hard-working people everywhere.  I’ve known some fat and disgusting people in my life, but none have come close to matching this subhuman filth.

He's actually a Private as of this writing.  I don't know what events led to his demotion, but I had predicted earlier this year that he would fail his 3 mile run.  My prediction – my prayers - came true.  This manchild was supposed to go back to whatever farm in Mississippi he came from in late April. Unfortunately for me, the admin department always screws up one way or another and things get delayed when it comes to getting rid of useless Marines and thus I’m forced to endure his miserable existence for a week more.
He told me he’s taking the ‘early-out program’ as if it were important to lie to me to ensure I have any respect for him – as if I’m blind to his fatness and laziness – but I know the truth.  I guess it turns out McDonalds for lunch and Pizzahut for dinner every single day is not a healthy diet plan.  On top of that he straight up stopped going to mandatory PT.  He’s now at the stage I call the “downward spiral.”  I’ve seen several Marines and Sailors go through this phase as they prepare to leave for good – Not showing up for PT or just becoming a fat slob.  Due to his recent downhill lifestyle trend the past few months, this fat fuck has started emitting more gas than usual and it just compounds the stench exponentially.

I still don’t really know what it is this guy actually does.  He says he’s a cook, but he doesn’t actually work in the chow hall anymore.  I did speculate that he must have eaten the food when he did work there, but he’s continued gaining weight despite no longer working there.  Everyday I come home from work – he’s right there either playing Madden NFL on the PS3 while munching on Cheetos or lying in his own filth on top of the nauseating sty of a bed, groveling in his own self-pity (while also munching Cheetos).  The barracks-issue covers of his bed where his fat body lie decomposing every night have left a putrid, dark-stained color.

This is what it looks like on a clean day.
This guy’s whole meaningless life is just a never-ending struggle against gravity.  Each morning and evening he groans and strains himself getting in and out of bed, complaining loudly to himself “my body hurts.”  Is that so?  Because it’s fucking killing me!  I had to move my locker/computer desk facing outboard so it would block my sight of his nasty, gelatinous body.  While it does block his unsightly pigtits, I still have to listen to his noise.  When he’s not sitting on his fat ass re-watching his 1000 DVD and Bluray library, he’ll occasionally get up and start pacing like a madman.  His fat, bare feet stomping up and down the small room of our second story barracks can be heard from the laundry room below.  Not only that, I still have to listen to his groans, grunts, farts, burps, spitting noises, open-mouthed chewing, munching, and sounds of candy wrappers and chip bags crinkling.  It’s truly the most repulsive thing I’ve ever had to deal with.  Just the fact I had to see him out the corner of my eye irritated me to no end.  The very thought of his nastiness being within a yard away is vile.

I know this bastard never washed his clothes at all in the month of January and possibly December.  That rancid ass-stench was noticeable from the day I returned from leave on the 12th of January all the way to the ides of February.  A smell like that just doesn’t intensify in the span of a week.  Now that I think of it, he never went to the battalion run (or any run thereafter) prior to Christmas nor did he work during Christmas break, so that means he wouldn’t have gone to PT on his own.  That shit had been stewing for at least two months straight.

I actually confronted him in February, very politely, about the stench.  I recommended to him he take a shower.  He had a very puzzled look about him when I asked that, as if I blew his mind.  As if the word “Shower” didn’t exist in his vocabulary and that I overloaded his brain at the very suggestion.  After seeming to contemplate this thoroughly for about 15 seconds, he finally managed to stammer a response in his confused state, “I do take showers… Every day.”  My mind exploded at the blatant lie.  How can a man stink so horribly and expect me to believe something like that?  This man is literally a filthy liar.  While it was true he spends 5-6 hours a day masturbating on the toilet with a Gatorade bottle full of tobacco spit in his hand while listening/watching the trailer for Inception over and over again, in the dark, there is no way that time in the bathroom was ever spent showering.

Others can attest to his shitbaggery.
After the encounter he did start showering more often – at least for a while until recently.  But despite showering he still fucking stinks.  What the fuck!?  Does he have that fucking rare disease that makes you stink all the time?  How is this happening?  He literally showered, waddled out the door to drive his car to the shopping center to buy several large bags of chips and McDonalds (both of which are within walking distance, mind you), came back twenty minutes later and started stinking again, this time smelling like a noxious combination of Axe Body Spray and asshole.

Speaking of lies, this guy loves to lie and brag about himself.  Here are just some of the ironic and revealing quotes this fatfuck manages to dish out when he’s on the phone: 
  • “Can’t go to the movies, I’m at my girlfriend’s house in Honolulu,” or “I’m in the middle of doing my laundry,” in his room playing Madden NFL.  He uses these lines usually to get out of some kind of unit social events.  I’ve heard him mention his imaginary girlfriend several times to his work-related acquaintances and he rarely does laundry.
  • Another favorite of mine, “Yeah, I lost ten pounds this month,” on the phone with a pizza in his hand, a videogame controller in his lap, playing Madden, and Pokemon: The Movie on his tablet.  I’m pretty sure this guy gained at least 30 pounds from December to May.
  • “Tell him if he doesn’t lose weight he’s gonna be homeless… Put his ass on the elliptical machine, and make him do laundry!”
  • “That room has probably has seen a lot of hookers.  I would spray it down with disinfectant spray.”
  • “I was just watching the big game with some of the boys.” After sleeping through the Superbowl, waking up at 1400, and playing NFL until 0200.
  • “There’s 32 days in May, isn’t there?”
  • “I can’t watch baseball and football anymore - it’s, like, three hours and takes up too much of my time … I have much better things to do.”
  • “Yeah, I was just up all day standing watch and haven’t even slept yet,” after doing front desk watch for 6 hours, taking an 8 hour nap, and waking up.
  • “Watch the History channel, watch Discovery… do something productive instead of reality television…” says a guy who repeatedly rewatches the same episodes of Smallville, Southpark, Family Guy, and pretty much any Fox or WB series that’s on DVD.
  • When the pizza guy came to deliver 12-piece wings, a large pizza, a bowl of lasagna, and two 2-liter sodas, he somehow knew that my roommate was a cook.  During their small chitchat, Pigtits replied: “I used to work with food services myself… I always hated cleaning up after nasty people…  That doesn’t really explain anything new that I didn’t know before, but I suppose it does provide insight into why he’s such a slob.
  •  “I haven’t even seen the Godfather Trilogy… I can’t sit down and watch nine hours of movies, I don’t have it in me.”  The ironic thing is that’s all this guy does when he’s not playing NFL or sitting on the toilet fapping.  He’s watched the entire Starwars (six of them), X-men movies, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and the Matrix movies back-to-back."
  • "My grandmother went out with a bang… it’s really telling… her last words were ‘I want more jello.’”  He seemed to take great pride in this for some reason.
Every time Slim talks out of his ass I just want to yell something about him being a fat manchild and a waste of human resources with no purpose in life, but I don’t think I would have anything to gain by outright insulting him.  It would be weird to just suddenly and deliberately conduct acts of hostility and would just make it totally awk to hang around my own room (which I don't do anyways due to it smelling like shit all the time).

I don’t know why he thought it was a good idea to put a magnetic picture of some strange mongler woman on the fridge facing my rack, but it’s there, 24/7, staring at me with wide, creepy eyes and an eerie grin.  One of the first things he did when he moved into the room was slap this thing on the fridge with his fat ham-fist.  I assume it’s either the “crazy sister” he’s always talking about (the only other woman in his life besides his mom), something his old roommate left behind, or some magnet taken from some realtor advertisement.  I’m guessing it’s the latter two because from listening to phone conversations with his mom (like the creeper that I am) I get the impression that the *NAMEWITHHELD* clan is suffering from Type II Diabetes and are the type of people that like to cruise around Wal-Mart in electric shopping carts.

Tyler's mom has got it goin' on.
He also mentioned that he was of French origin.  There’s a stereotype of French people not showering and covering the stink with perfume, but it must have a basis in truth because that would help explain why he stinks so damn bad.  He expressed interest in visiting France one day to explore his roots with his father, which he mentioned was also a shitbag.   He also mentioned another of his family (the elliptical machine guy), ironically, as being a “fat, lazy sack of shit.”  I believe it was his brother but I never bothered investigating that further.  I guess being a shitbag runs in the family.

Diet plan or poop fetish? You decide.
Speaking of the stench, I found this box of laxatives in our shared cabinet.  I don’t know if this is his idea of losing weight or if he has some kind of bizarre pooping fetish, but it must have something to do with him spending nearly a quarter of his time in Hawaii on the toilet and the awful stink that accompanies it.  I usually avoid leaving stuff in the cabinet because this dirty bastard doesn’t wash his hands, and I don’t want to catch whatever disgusting cough this guy has been having for the past four months.  Plus he’s been known to compulsively (and instinctively) eat my food when I’m not looking.

I also find it kind of funny that this guy never leaves the room.  Not funny-‘haha,’ but more funny like the rotting corpse of a dead clown.  Except leaving for work (whatever that may be), the only time he actually does leave the room is to go to the toilet to jerk off for hours at a time or to resupply his cabinet with party-sized bags of Doritos.  We’ve had several four-day weekends since January and he never stepped outside once during those holidays.  It’s mind-boggling that this guy has been living off of PizzaHut, Hot Pockets, and potato chips.
This man is pretty much the real-life PVT Pyle from Full Metal Jacket.  Actually, now that I think of it, he looks exactly like him.  The resemblance is uncanny.  He even has the same retarded, slow-talking drawl.  It’s so eerie.  It’s as if he saw the movie and decided that it was his destiny to become the ultimate shitbag of the Marine Corps.  This person will never get laid by any self-respecting woman - or any woman for that matter. There is no reason for this slob to even get up in the morning.  I feel like I just experienced living in a nursing home with an 80-year-old, bed-ridden and dying patient.  I hope I don’t end up like this when I’m 60 and retired.  Hell, even my grandma has a more active life and workout routine than this guy.
"Sir! A jelly donut, sir!"
If there’s one thing good to come out of this experience it’s knowing that The System does a job at removing people like this from the military.  Not a good job since he’s been out of bootcamp for two years, but it’s starting to work.  I don’t know how this specimen slipped through the cracks, but I take comfort knowing that some system is in place and that there is justice and retribution in the world.
I bet Poe had a nasty roommate once...
This is a pretty long rant and I guess it is kind of weird to focus so much time and mental energy typing out five pages of ranting text on such an abhorrent being.  Plus people keep asking me why I hate my nasty roommate so much and “because he fucking stinks” is apparently not reason enough.  This is my testament to his shitbaggery.  I feel a little better writing this instead of unleashing my anger on this pigfucker who does not, and will not, ever grasp the basic concept of hygiene.  I think I’ve done a pretty good job at hiding my hatred from him, because he still talks to me like I’m his buddy or something. Every time he opens that sewage pipe of a mouth to spew his shit -  that idiotic commentary about pizza, or how hard the Marines is for him, or how his feet hurt - I just want to run a steel-heeled boot through those crooked, yellow teeth of his and yell “shut the fuck up and kill yourself.”

I’m a pretty forgiving man and I don’t hate people for no reason, or even with a reason, but geeze, this is the one goddamned exception.  I don’t even wish death on my enemies, nor do I even support the death penalty, but I seriously hope that all these years of dipping, tobacco, smoking, laziness, and reckless obesity catch up with him in a single, swift movement.  Even after he leaves the military.  Especially after he leaves.  I feel the quality of life would improve for all of humanity if he would jump off a pier and sink to the ocean floor like the dense bag of rocks that he is.  Or if he really wants to seal the deal, he should just blow his brains out on the toilet, just like his doppelganger did in the film.  That would be truly poetic.

Miscellaneous offenses against human decency and cleanliness, not previously noted:
  • Leaving used squares of toilet paper lying on the ground.
  • Throwing candy wrappers down the drain, effectively clogging it.
  • Leaving full bottles of dip spit on random flat surfaces.
  • Clogging sinks with dip spit.
  • Making obnoxious yawn/roar noises every morning.
  • Making obnoxious “Donald Duck”-like throat-clearing noises every morning.  Pretty sure on purpose since he only started doing it the last two months and in the morning.
  • Urinating on the toilet seat.
  • Not wearing a shirt in the dark, sitting alone, and with lights and television off...  Waiting.  ...but for what? I'll never know.
  • Leaving garbage on the counter.
  • Standing in the middle of the room and rewatching the preview for '22 JumpStreet' four times in a row on his cellphone.
  • Exclaiming “I’m so tired” after waking up from sleep on a saturday.
Apologies to Vincent D'Onofrio, who is actually a good-looking man, who, despite having gained 70 pounds for the filming of Full Metal Jacket, was probably in better shape than *NAMEWITHHELD* at the time of this writing.

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