Friday, January 31, 2014

The fat, disgusting slob that is my roommate


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have Gabe Newell as a roommate?  I haven’t, but now I have a pretty good idea.  My fat Marine roommate is the most disgusting slob I’ve ever metHe’s a cook and I suspect he eats a lot of the food from the chow hall.  This motherfucker leaves half-filled bottles of dip everywhere.  He stays in his room all the time, watching dvds, usually Southpark reruns, but sometimes movies from Redbox.  And he’ll rewatch it about two or three times in a row.

He never leaves the barracks room.  He goes into the bathroom every hour or so and spends about thirty minutes to an hour in there with his cellphone blaring out loud music, usually movie trailer music or some kind of pop music.  I know what he does in there; the music is just a cover.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but this motherfucker spends at least five hours a day there that his ass stench is baked into the bathroom.

The first night I came back from Christmas leave, this guy was passed out on his bed with some really loud porn blasting out of his cellphone.  Dirty laundry and empty bags of cheesepuffs were strewn about the floor.  I dropped my bags to the ground and made loud noises as I unpacked so that maybe this sloth would wakeup and cleanup or at least have the decency to turn down his phone, but to no avail.  I left to go to Subway with the luggage left in plain view so maybe he would notice.  When I came back the lights were out so he must have got up and realized I had returned, but otherwise the room was still disgusting.

All my food was gone from the fridge.  I didn’t notice this until he brought it up, but he reimbursed me so I cant complain if he wants to pay me to eat old food.  It was a box of corndogs that I never ate, some icecream which I use as cream for my coffee (it lasts longer than milk which is why I use it), and some Hot Pockets.  Truth be told, the corndogs were my old roommate’s who left and I took the box with me when I moved to the new barracks.  But seriously, how do you eat a whole 20-pack of corndogs and large box of icecream in less than two weeks?

This fat fuck is always eating too.  I woke up on the second night to the sound of munching Cheetos and the sound of the microwave whirring.  The nauseous smell of deep-fried microwave food filled the room.  It must have been the last of the corndogs or more hotpockets.

Worst of all this motherfucker stinks.  He literally smells like the entire gym locker room.  Everytime he comes back from PT (which is rare, but 95 percent chance that it’s mandatory unit PT because I never see Slim voluntarily PT on his own free will or on a weekend) this guy smells like rancid asshole.  And he leaves his clothes and shit on the floor.

Right now he is in the bathroom rewatching a three-minute trailer for some kind of action movie.  It sounds like the theme song from Requiem for a Dream.  So far it has looped about 20 times.  This fatass has been fappin’ on the toilet for an hour.  I usually don’t wish any kind of negativity on anyone, but I seriously hope this jackass fails his physical readiness test and gets booted from the Corps.

...But with honors, because he’s actually a really nice guy.

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